P. 3
All text © 2009 by John Marshall.
All rights reserved. Watch it, sister.
Shad the Grad sez:
When one door closes, another opens, unless it is a revolving door.
Become a Part-Time Hit Man
Wish there were more to life than just bringing home a paycheck? Maybe building one of the world's great civilizations is for you!
In the past, creating an entire culture took thousands of years. Now, with this course, you can get a new one up and running in two days -- with YOU as the head of it!
But don't take our word for it. Here's what people who have taken this course are saying:
"I failed Western Civ, so I created my own Civ!"
-- Ivan the Terrible Student
"I used to dread the morning commute. Now that I have a new civilization I enjoy the morning commute"
-- Warrior Queen Ms. Georgina
Lovejoy of suburban New Jersey
Create Your Own Civilization In Just 48 Hours!
Who says you have to join the Mob to be a hit man? Well, the Mob does -- but now economic cutbacks have forced them to open their ranks to part-timers, freelancers and temps!
Every week you'll call a special number to find out who "needs killing" and what restaurant they eat in. Then you'll go to work with your very own concealed weapon!
So whether you want to rid the world of weasels or just want a funny Mob nickname, sign up now -- just don't tell the Feds!
Hit man Sammy "The Left Knee" Moombato also teaches "Dating Under the Witness Protection Program." Sammy used to put up with foolishness from students, but he don't do that no more. Don't be stupid, he don't want to hurt nobody.
An Evening with Simon from the Popular Game "Simon Says"
"As a newly installed dictator, I enjoy a more active social life"
-- Myron the Single and Available
"Thanks! I run one civilization and am planning on invading another"
-- Strongman Jimmy B., age 6
"As a middle manager, I always dreamed of ruling my own civilization, but was afraid there would be a long turn-around time. Thanks for setting me straight! My new dynasty is scheduled to be recorded in history next week"
-- Mystic High Exalted Employee
Larry Spelno
Instructor and "Holy Roland Emperor" Roland Priger created his own historic empire while working in a delicatessen. He also teaches "Start Your Own Epoch in Less Than Six Minutes."
For Computer Users Only!
CARPAL TUNNEL SINGLES MIXER
Long assumed to be either dead or made up, Simon from Simon Says is here to answer all of your questions. After foolishly giving away the rights to his game (a copywritten follow-up, "Simon Suggests," went nowhere), Simon spent thirty years touring with the creator of "Mother, May I." Note: There will be no playing of Simon Says. These days, each time Simon says "Simon says," he wants $1,000.
Instructor Simon is currently adapting his free, public domain game into an expensive CD-ROM.
You are cordially invited to an evening of drinks and dancing with others who have wrist problems just like yours
WITH DJ ARTHUR ITIS
Contact us for date, place & bandages
What To Do If You Have a Really Small Head
Click on me
Lots of people have really small heads, but they never had a seminar -- until now! Mr. Emile Peblin has a very small head (about the size of a regulation squash ball) and can tell you lots of things to do.
Instructor Mr. Emile Peblin has appeared on such TV shows as "That's My Head!" and "America's Funniest Heads."
Learn the Sacred Pathways of the Marvin Greenblatts
Learn Top Celebrity Secrets with Air Conditioning Repairman to the Stars, EDWARD PERMOLP
Edward Permolp has repaired air conditioners for some of Hollywood's top talent, including movie, TV and porno stars. While working in their homes, he has overheard conversations on a wide variety of exclusive topics, which he will gladly share with you. Some of these topics include:
How many BTU's a room should have
Advantages of central air conditioning
What to do when vents get clogged
Instructor Edward Permolp has released a pamphlet, "Favorite Room Temperatures of the Rich and Famous."
Let's Try Cannibalism!
Spirit. Wisdom. Truth. Carbs. Join seekers Marvin and Mrs. Marvin Greenblatt as they lead you on a journey of self-discovery without bloating. The Greenblatts, unlike other gurus, use brisket, potato salad (above) and what they call "nice appetizers" as tools of enlightenment. You'll leave full of spirituality, but not so much spirituality that you need a Bromo Seltzer.
The Greenblatts are the authors of Split Pea with Smoked Hickory Flavor Soup for the Soul.
Although frowned upon in most parts of the world, cannibalism is just the thing to spice up a luncheon or a graduation party. Whether you're interested in cooking new and unusual meals or opening your own cannibal theme restaurant, sign up now -- there's a little cannibal in all of us -- and a little of all of us in every cannibal!
Instructor Barry Krepp has eaten most of the people he knows.
